Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A little sad

These past two weeks have been perhaps the most emotional of my life. I ran out of pain medication, and ran out of the willpower to do anything. I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day everyday, which I pretty much did for the entire week, although I was in such pain that I couldn't lay down for very long. I'm so physically and emotionally tired, but every time I lay down I feel like I need to get back up. I can't sleep on my stomach like I used to, I can feel the rods when I sleep on my back and sleeping on my side brings my attention to how scrambled my organs muscles and tissues are and the pressure of them on top of each other makes me want to puke. I can't sleep for more than a few short hours at a time, so needless to say I've been a wreck.

The surgery was VERY scary for me. I went to all my pre-op appointments by myself with a smile on my face and a choked back cry in my throat. I tried to be brave, I remember making a joke to my mother as I let go of her hand, and made sure that she saw a smile on my face as they wheeled me away for surgery.

I don't remember much about the first week. I remember being in a lot of pain and being very confused, and I remember thinking I might be paralyzed for a couple of days. It was a frightening time, but having my family around was so wonderful. Seeing my sweet sisters and brothers and nieces and nephews walk throught the door always cheered me up and helped to ease me through all the craziness.

The following week I spent recovering at Moriah's house was a really special experience for me. It felt so good to have my mom , Moriah and Maggie there to bond with. One of the things about this experience that I will never forget was how good it felt to have my sisters suprise me by having Maggie's friend Sarah come over to do my hair in the midst of the messy state I was constantly in. I am just so blessed to have such a wonderful family to take care of me.

Maybe that's why this part has been the hardest. Why I cry at the drop of the hat (or commercial). I MISS MY FAMILY! I can't stand being so far away. I love my home, I love my husband, I love the city I live in, but I can't stand being without my family. I have so much time on my hands now that I can do nothing but heal, and it's driving me crazy thinking that I am so far away and I don't know if this will ever change. I have to miss baby Rainni's 1st birthday this weekend because it's a 5 hour drive for us, and now my siblings are moving into a house so they can be together (my dream) and I feel so left out.

Why do they insist on living in Seattle? I lived in Seattle for years and loved it dearly, I understand that it is an amazing city, but who besides Bill Gates or Constance Mao can afford the real estate over there?? Why can't they move to another city such as Spokane where the homes are cheap, and the weather is nice? It's not fair. I was so excited about being pregnant with Maggie after I'm all healed, but now I'm hit with the reality that my family might not be close to my children because I'm the only one that is so far away. That's so sad to me. To think of all that I am missing out on, and all that I will miss out as my life complicates when I have my own children. I don't know if I will ever adjust to the distance, but today for some reason I'm taking it especially hard.

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