The other day I thought Gage was awake from his nap,
so I peeked into his room to find him curled into a tiny ball,
chest heaving slowly.

I can't remember the last time I watched him sleep.
Suddenly I was overcome with gratefulness, and love and sadness all at once.

Thinking of how not so long ago, we brought him home from the hospital and there was not much
else to do other than watch the sleeping wonder in my arms.

He doesn't sleep in my arms anymore, and though this saves my back from ache, my heart aches in its place.

I feel so guilty some days, I only have three or four months before we welcome our twins, and yes, I am excited to meet them, and to see their sweet faces and to hold them in my arms for hours.

But I feel sad because I know that each day with new feedings and burpings and time spent tending to these helpless infants will mean a day for Gage spent learning how to let go of Mama, to do things on his own.

He's only 1 year old and I feel guilty for turning my baby into a big boy so soon.  I wonder if my arms will be big enough, and strong enough to nurture all three.
Sometimes I want to hold on so tight to him, and never let go.  This little boy who has changed my life and my heart, and taught me more than anyone. I don't want him to change.

I'm afraid and overwhelmed by my job of raising three boys into Godly men.  It's the most important job I will ever have.

How can you teach someone to love God with all their hearts, to serve him and others, to resist the desires of a sinful flesh, and to resist the enticing temptations of this sick world?

How do you teach honesty and loyalty, and hard work and chivalry?

By being, and modeling and crucifying yourself in Christ so that he lives through you.

So much of me wants to turn back time and wrap my sleeping baby up tight and hold him, safe.

But I know I can't hold him forever.  I have to let go. I have to teach and be teachable.

I have to hold on to Christ.  I have to allow Jesus to hold my boys while I begin the painful process of letting go even now.

Pray for me, sweet friends.  Sometimes I feel so very small in light of all that I am called to do.
But then I remember that to be small is better than being too big, too strong and too independent on my own.

There's a soft place in the palm of the Lord that I will always fit into.  I hope I can hold onto that truth forever.

I am enjoying these days with my fair-haired boy so much.
Our mornings have been extra sweet lately.
While I'm working to get breakfast on the table, I am sweetly serenaded by
singing over the baby monitor.
Then the three of us sit down together for a quick morning visit before Daddy is
off to work.  Gage loves to wave him off with blown kisses!

Then he either goes straight to his play kitchen to whip up something delicious, or climbs his step ladder in the kitchen for a good view while I wash the dishes.


He follows me from room to room, babbling all the way while I gather the laundry or make the bed.  He loves to do little chores like feeding the dogs hand fulls of dog food, and he loves to push the broom around the kitchen just like mama.

Pretty soon it's nap time, and he goes down with a lullabye so easily.  I am so thankful for that!
I like to slip a little suitcase full of toys and books at the foot of his crib for him to find when he wakes up.  It's so fun to hear the "Ooohs" over the monitor when he finds them!

We love to go outside in the afternoons, to point at trees and birds, and to get some fresh air.  He is such an outdoorsy boy, just like his Dad.

And after one more nap it's soon time to welcome Daddy with a family hug at the door.
Things are so pleasant right now.

 And while I'm nervous about adding two more to the mix, It's such a happy thought to think of two more boys like our dear little Gage.

Oh we are blessed!

Life has just been happening by so fast lately.

I am enjoying each and every minute of it.  I am leaning on the Lord for strength and energy,
and I am really enjoying my pregnancy at this point.

Not a single day goes by that I don't smile and marvel at the idea of TWO little boys growing
inside me.  I look at my own little Gage and can't hardly believe my luck.  I am well on my way
to the big happy family I have always dreamed of.

I look at my husband and think of the life we are cultivating together, through hard work and aches and pains, and a lot of growing and stretching.  And a lot of joy. So much joy that I am fully aware that when I look back on my life as an old woman, these will be the days that will bring a smile to my face.

It's a New year, and of course I've begun to make lists... list about what I want to do differently, how I want to be different.  A million little things that I want to change and improve.

Overwhelming myself thinking; how on earth am I going to cope with the arrival of three children in under two years?
I'm not clean enough, driven enough, I don't have enough energy or patience, and I love my sleep more than anything! How am I going to get through the endless days and nights, change all those diapers, nurse those babies all the while giving Gage and my husband the attention they need?  What if I lose myself, gain more weight, become a dull person to be around?

It's a lot for any one person to handle. I have the tendency to want God to change me now, all at once, so I will be the super woman I think I need to be. 

I think God led me to this verse to show me a different way:
2 Peter 1:5-7 (NIV)

 ⁵ For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; ⁶ and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷ and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 

All the things I think I need to be are possible.  But they don't happen all at once.  It's the little choices and the little changes and the slow and gradual molding of my heart that will transform me into who God wants me to be.  Not a list of resolutions.  I am looking forward to the coming year even with the knowledge that God has begun a difficult work in me that will take a lifetime to finish. 

I am praying with all my heart that I can get out of the way to let him lead.

Happy 2012 dear friends!

30 Days of Gratefulness

{Day ?}

Pretty ridiculous that I can't stick to posting a simple list a day for a month, isn't it?
I have been recording my grateful lists in my journal, but somehow they haven't made it to my blog.


Oh well. Se la vie.
 Today I am grateful for...

• A really memorable night out this week with all my favorite friends.

• The answered prayers for a wonderful group of friends to share life with

• Apple juice. It is the only thing I can keep down lately.  Whoever heard of morning sickness that get's worse at 10 weeks? Okay, this is turning into a complaint... Sorry.

• The most beautiful blue engraved bible that was dropped off on my doorstep by a "mystery someone.  It felt like a hug straight from Jesus.  

•  My too sweet for words baby who is toddling around in the cuddliest lambswool suit.  He just walks around all day saying sweet nothings and giggling to himself.  Heart melted.

• The ability to stay home when I am sick.

• My hard working husband.  Oh he is wonderful.

• Snow outside.  Just a dusting, but so pretty.

• Enjoying my family and dreaming of our family to be.

• My generous mom and her gift of the comfiest BabysRus nursing rocker that I have so desperately wanted!

• Recognizing what a good God I serve, and seeing evidences of prayers answered and my own heart + life changing.

30 Days of Gratefulness

{Day 6}

Today I am grateful for....

A giant cup of Earl Grey + soymilk and honey.  Great coffee replacement!

This song still in my head from church last Sunday

Our church. it feels like home.

Our new car.  I still can't believe it!

Our business.  Feeling amazingly blessed!

A phone call to my sissy

Celebrating my Grammie-in-law's birthday tonight

Progresso Soup + Crackers

That Gage still takes 2 solid naps

Our Girls Bible Study

Eating apple crisp every night... I know, horrible!

Praying for loved ones and knowing that they pray for me

30 Days of Gratefulness

Day 5
Today I am grateful for...

Snuggly hugs from my tiny man
Emails from dear friends
Words of encouragement
Homemakers by Choice podcasts
Managing to get the house clean (almost)
Having our bible study lesson mirror what's going on in my life
so closely that it's spooky
The playroom
Seeing Brandon flash me a hand signal for "I love you" that
we've been doing since we were 16
Feeling lucky and chosen for no good reason at all

30 Days of Gratefulness

{Day 4}

I know this is supposed to be day 5, but it just didn't happen yesterday.  I've been getting these horrible Aura migraines lately, and looking at a computer screen is just about the last thing I want to do when that happens, so, I do hope you understand...

Today I am Thankful for~

• A lazy Saturday home with my boys! 
• Cooking a large breakfast and eating it in my pajamas
• Making Lefsa tomorrow with Brandon's sweet Aunt and Grandma
• A last minute call to come and eat Aunt Candy's famous lasagna for dinner last night.  I wasn't feeling well, but I couldn't turn down her lasagna!

• Dreaming up nursery plans and wondering what the sexes will be...
• Gage's newest word: "Happy!"
• Watching Luna and Gage play together, they are just so sweet!
• Putting together a package for a special girl, for the Christmas swap!
• Thanksgiving next weekend at the Ranch! {We're having it early}
• Morning sickness... As bad as it is, it helps me know that everything is going well
• Finding a contact for a multiples support group... {Support group? REALLY?}

What are you Thankful for?

30 Days of Gratefulness

{Day 3}

• Stopping to think one million times throughout my day about the two tinies growing in my belly... It is the most miraculous thing I have ever experienced!

• 14 months... Oh I love this age so very much.  Today Gage was in a kissing phase.  He would come in close to plant the sweetest kiss on my lips, start to walk away and then turn around and do it again. Over and over... oh heart be still!

•  Lunch at Olive garden with Brandon's wonderful family

• A sweet husband that totally picks up my slack when I'm not feeling well, and never complains

•  All the wonderful women in my life~ Mothers, Sisters, Aunties and Friends. Oh I am lucky.

• Hand me downs.  Total. Life. Savers.  Keep em' coming Courtney (:

• Scripture.  My anxiety is amped up lately for some reason, and I hope I never forget how comforting the scriptures are.

• Trader Joes!

• Flowers from Trader Joes!

• A darling baby boy that brings me so much joy.

 I have so much to be thankful for! 

30 Days of Gratefulness

30 Days of Gratefulness {Day 2}

Today I am thankful for....

• Being able to sleep in late, when I REALLY need it.

• The gift of a toddler who sleeps in past 9!

• Breakfast for Dinner

• The realization that I have to consume 600 extra calories per day!

• My hard working husband who does so much for us

• Hearing my sweet husband tell someone that I am a Stay at Home Mom(!)

• Mrs. Meyers Basil cleaner... It lifts my spirits and I don't feel guilty about using harsh chemicals

• Rushing home to change into a new flannel pajama set

• EARLY morning devotions because of pregnancy insomnia

• Hearing Gage say new words every day!

• Telling perfect strangers that I am expecting twins in addition to the baby in my grocery cart

• The sweet random lady at Costco that bought me pizza today!

• Hope in tomorrow and strength for today in my savior 

30 Days of Gratefulness

{30 Days of Gratefulness}

November is here, and I am going to join a bunch of sweet ladies in taking the time
to keep track of everything we have to be grateful for.

It's Day One, and friend, I am bursting...

Yesterday I was heading in for an ultrasound prepared to hear the worst.
I was so worried that the baby hadn't developed.  That there wasn't going to be a heart beat.there
And then...
there were two.

I am thankful for my sweet husband who even though he has always told me twins would be his worst nightmare, is suddenly all a glow.

I am thankful for a good God that gives good gifts and provisions to his children.  And although I am feeling quite anxious about having three children under two at once, having to buy two of everything, and let's face it... A LOT of diapers... I trust that my Lord won't give me more than I can handle.  And I know somehow, I can do this.

I am blessed by my husband's prayer all whispers as we crawled into bed last night. "Lord, thank you for my beautiful wife and those two tiny heartbeats inside of her.  Thanks you for all your blessings, you are so good to us!"

I think "thankful" is an understatement today.

We are having so much fun dreaming about this new little one
that we will be welcoming in just 7 months.
I can't help but feel a little melancholy about the fact that my
firstborn baby is growing up right before my eyes.

Even though I am so excited to meet our new baby,
I am well aware that these sweet moments with Gage our
quickly passing, and I am determined to soak them up every way
I can.  I may feel differently later, but for now, there is no rush with
this pregnancy.
I am enjoying our life so much right now.

Our days are kept full because of this cherub-faced little boy.
Who has the happiest disposition, and is a busy boy, but not a
rambunctious boy. I love his calm but active personality.
He is so much like his Dad.

His nickname is Little Man, because, well, he is just that:

The best reaction ever over his new tool set!

Thank goodness I have two handy men around!

The look that I so frequently find on his face when he is into something naughty...

Trying desperately to sneak a bite of his new favorite food: pumpkin bread.

I tell Brandon nearly every day that today I am the happiest I've ever been.
I feel like life is just getting sweeter by the moment.  I hope I can hold onto
these days and forever forge them in my heart and mind.

The lazy days spent together, sharing food and conversation,
making messes and being together. I just love all this time we
get to spend as a family now.  I feel like I'm getting to know
my husband all over again.

Last night (and he'll kill me for telling you this,) he bought a
coat that he's had his eye on from Cabella's, and tried it on over
and over, showing me all of it's features like an excited little boy.
We stretched across the bed and he talked about all of his wants
and needs, and dreams for hours.
Sometimes I forget that still waters run very deep.
If  you have a quiet husband like I do, you'll understand what a
gift it is when he does all the talking.

 

Enjoying our cozy little house that isn't our dream house, but can

be in its own way pretty dreamy.

Life is good. And we are so grateful!

I've Got a Secret...